A Mother's Love Part 2

I had the opportunity to tell my story to someone I was just meeting yesterday and a very interesting thing happened!  I thought I would share it in hopes that she was right.

For those of you reading this who don't know me, my three oldest children live with their father and have since we first got divorced.  At the time, they were 10, 5 and 3.  We lived in a location where all of their dad's family was right there, grandparents, aunts, uncle, cousins.  Their grandmother took care of them while their dad and I worked and they were close to all of the family.  My family was 6 hours away at best and things were strained to say the least between all of them and myself.  The choices that I had made over the years leading up to our divorce had come between myself and a lot of people.  I had a job, but wasn't sure I was going to keep it.  I could only afford a small one bedroom apartment and all I wanted at the time was for my kids to be OK.

I discussed this with their dad and came to the hardest, most heart wrenching decision a mom could ever make.  I chose to let them live with their dad.  In the beginning, due to  his work schedule, I got up at 4:30 every morning and went to their house to stay with them until time to get up for school.  I would get them up, dressed, fix breakfast and drop off at school and preschool before going to work.  Then I would be there 2 nights each week to see them for a few hours, help with homework, have dinner and get ready for bed.  Then of course there was the every other weekend sleepover at my apartment.  These times were so important to all of us because for them, their lives stayed as much the same as possible given the situation their dad and I had put them in by divorcing.  As time progressed, they moved a little farther away so the morning routine ended but I was with them at least 2 nights, sometimes 3, during the week and then every other weekend.  We continued this until January 2012.

My current husband got a job with a new company in March of 2011 and a promotion within that company a month later.  I was so proud of him.  He had worked very hard and deserved what was being given to him.  The only problem was he would be working out of an office 1800 miles from home.  I could not dream of leaving my kids and moving away.  My oldest was finishing her junior year of high school.  My other two are active in sports and I love being the team mom, volunteer and all the things that go along with that.  How could I possibly leave.  So, my husband and I made the second hardest decision we have made, and chose to have him commute.  So for 9 long, lonely, difficult, sad, hard months he left every Monday morning at 4:00 am and returned home every Friday night around 11:00 pm.  His Saturday's and Sunday's were spent trying to spend time with me, our son, my older kids as well as his daughter who also lived closed to our home at the time.  Not a lot of family bonding was going on I can assure you.  The toll that took on our family was great.  We were determined to not let it tear us apart however and we relied on our faith in God a whole lot during those 9 months.  You see, both of us felt that God had given him this opportunity for a reason.  We weren't sure at the time, midst all of our loneliness in missing each other, what that reason was, but we trusted God would show us in His time.

The burden of being apart began to be more than we could handle so we made the decision to move.  Texas to California!  Might as well of been Timbuktu!  As much as I wanted my husband physically present in my life on a daily basis, I was leaving my kids. They were happy with their dad.  They were happy in school, with their friends, their sports, their activities.  They didn't want to move.  I could understand that from personal experience of having to move in my own childhood and didn't want them to experience the same struggles.  After all, that was my decision in the beginning, right?  Keep their life as normal as possible despite the circumstances.  So, we packed up, kissed and hugged them goodbye, and headed to California.

There have been many visits, many Skype sessions, I can't even tell you the number of text messages!  Phone calls, emails, letters, packages, special gifts and lots of tears over the last 15 months.  But, guess what?  They are just fine.  They have adjusted to the situation. They are thriving in their environment!  Their relationships with their dad are much stronger today because they don't have the convenience of just waiting for mom to come fix it or relying on me to take care of everything.  They have realized that he is right there and he loves them and he wants to help them.  And...I am still here as well.  I get many phone calls late at night when one can't go to sleep or after a tough school day when only mommy knows what to say.  And they know that even though I am not right there with them in person, my heart is in their hands and they know I care, they know i love them, they know I am always there for them.  I have come to realize in the last couple of months as I have struggled with missing them beyond anything I have ever experienced before, that I am the one who is still adjusting to our situation.  I am the one still struggling with not being together all the time.  I am the one who cries myself to sleep sometimes and weeps in my husbands arms when I just want to wrap my arms around them.  But my kids...they are fine.  God helped me prepare their hearts and their minds for this time in their lives and they are thriving!  In the meantime, this family unit (my husband, myself and our son) are thriving in our own way.  Things have never been better.  My husbands relationship with my older three is much stronger than ever before.  His relationship with his own daughter is growing stronger daily and there is even hope of some growth in a relationship between her and her brother as well as her and I.  God is doing amazing things in our family!

Now back to yesterday.  I have been given the opportunity to share my story MANY times over the last 7 years and I must say that I have not gotten the response I got yesterday even once in all that time.  Usually I hear, "Wow!  How can you just leave your children.  First to live with their dad during a divorce and then move away.  What kind of a mom could do that?" or "Well, I sure wouldn't have freely chosen to give up my children like that."  And then there is "How will they ever forgive you for abandoning them?" followed closely by "I'm sure glad I don't have to be accountable to God for that when I get to Heaven. What will you even say?" and the list goes on and on and on.  I have gotten pretty closed off about it and just realized that I probably would have felt the same way prior to being in my shoes.  Who could possibly understand unless they were in the same place?  So when I started telling the story yesterday, as I am always looking for a way to brag about my amazing children, I expected the same sort of reaction.  Only here is what I got instead.

I got a hug!  I got a "Way to Go!"  "What an amazing sacrifice you have made to provide your children the best possible outcome of what could have been a really bad situation."  "I think you deserve some sort of award or medal or something."  "I am not sure I could be that strong." "You know there are other women out there who have made the same choice for one reason or another, but they have fallen to the criticism that they receive and just walked away completely because its easier.  Or, they have chosen to do the opposite, forced their children to be miserable out of spite for their ex and now they have no relationship with those children at all.  You have to share your story.  You have to share your success.  You have to reach just one person who needs to hear what you have been and are going through."

WHAT?!?!?!?  I was floored.  Strong?  Me?  I have felt so weak over the last few months that strong is the last word I would have used to describe myself.  Do you have any idea how many people I have told and NO ONE has had this same reaction.  I have been beginning to wonder why I keep opening my mouth about it and now you are saying to keep blabbing about it...are you crazy?  But as I have prayed about it last night and today, I feel that there may be some validity to what she said.  Maybe I could reach someone who is struggling.  Maybe there is a family out there thriving just like ours that could be a support for me and my husband.  I can assure you that as we meet preschool parents from our sons school, not a lot of them can relate to our situation and the conversations are pretty short and sweet.  We could use some encouragement.   Realizing this made me think, she's right.  If I want to have someone understand where I am, what I go through daily, how difficult this is, I have to keep talking about it so I can find the other person out there going through the same things.

I believe all mother's love their children in special ways. We all sacrifice for them daily.  We all do without certain things so they can have certain things.  We all put aside our own lives to some extent to raise them.  But not all of relate to one another.  Its hard to take off the blinders of what we do in our own lives with our own children and understand what another mother goes through for her own kids.

My prayer today is for continued opportunity to share my family's story.  To reach another mom who is struggling with what to do.  Another mom who may not have her kids with her to kiss good night each night but loves them the same as any other mom out there.  That I can find someone to encourage me with their own story.  That a mother's love is not something that is judged by the very people who should be the most compassionate...other mothers.

Thank you God for my children, for their fathers, their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  We are all so blessed to have this earthly family.  Thank you for your grace, compassion, forgiveness and understanding.

Oh...by the way...a month ago, my husbands position with the company he left for the current position was disposed of, the person was permanently let go.  Yesterday, the first position he took with the current company (prior to the position he has now) was also disposed of, the person was permanently let go.  Were it not for those hard decisions, based on God's direction in our lives, he would most likely be among the millions without work right now.  Instead, tonight he is at a meeting closing a deal that will put his zone above target for the fiscal year and 200% above where they have been the last 5 years combined.  Through it all, I am so thankful to have a husband who gives all the glory and praise to Jesus Christ and knows none of it is possible without HIM.  Thank you God for your faithfulness and as always, Your timing is perfect.

A Mother's Love

I just spent the week with my older kids for Spring Break.  At the age of 17, 12 and 10, they have completely stolen my heart and kept it for ransom!  I miss them so much when they are not with me.  It's so hard to be without them in my life on a daily basis.  I am so thankful for Skype, text messaging, phone calls and email.  Being able to be in daily contact with them is so the only way I can get through this time.  I cried all the way home from the airport today wishing I had hugged a little bit tighter and longer!

We spent some time during their visit discussing how to treat people.  They seem to get on each other's nerves as most all siblings do.  But it seems without the constant reminder to treat those that we care about with love and respect, they tend to get a little rude, obnoxious, hateful and downright mean.  Who knew you could actually tell bobbie pins apart!  Not me!!! That's not what I want for my children to think is the right way to treat people, communicate with those closest to them and just assume that it will all be OK in the end.  So we talked about making decisions and doing things in a manner that simply is true to yourself.  "Be true to you in all situations and you can't go wrong" is what I told them.  By the end of the week it seemed to be sticking. I hope they can keep it up and remember to love each other even when they aren't happy with each other.  I hope they remember to "do it because of who YOU are, not because of who THEY are".

It got me to thinking though about my own life and whether or not I do the same thing in a more grown up way.  I know there have been times when I have simply said, "I'm not going to their kids birthday party, they completely blew off the one we invited them to" or chosen to not answer the phone when someone calls simply because I am holding a grudge about something they said, did, didn't say or didn't do.  I want to change that.  I want to be the one who makes decisions based on who I am and the person that God has created me to be, not because so and so offended me or didn't call or didn't show for a party.

How horrible would it be if God chose not to do something for me simply because I offended him.  UM...daily!  I would not have any of the blessings I feel each day.  I would be missing out on so much.  Thank you Heavenly Father that you love me despite my imperfections, bad choices, mood swings and unwillingness to let go of things.  Please make me more like you.  Help me to "do it because of who I am, not because of who THEY are."  Please soften my heart, remind me who you have created me to be and help me to live that each and every day.  Thank you for your love and for your salvation!  Use me to reach those who need to feel that same love and experience that same security of eternity in heaven with you.

Finding my way

I am so different today. I don't even recognize the person I was. Does anyone but my husband see the difference? Does anyone else know how hard this was to do? Does anyone know what I go through on a daily basis trying to make this work? Does anyone truly understand the pain, dedication, commitment, difficult choices, joy and elation of this transformation?

God! He does. He knows my heart. He knows my pain. He knows my joy and elation. He has held my hand through it all.

What a blessing to know that I am loved for all my imperfections as he has cleansed my sin and made my life new. What grace has been given to me as I have walked this journey.

My heart tells me that there is someone out there who needs what I didn't feel I had. Someone who understands. Someone who accepts their imperfections. Someone who will hold their hand. My prayer today is that I have the opportunity to be that person, to show them the love of My God.